I am asking the question for a COPD friend of mine, in order to protect his identity. He lives in Canada.
The daughter takes his possessions, and is highly critical of everything her dad says, does or can no longer do. There are mood swings and emotional outbursts on a regular basis. I am concerned about my friend and his emotional and medical safety. He is very fearful. The home is in dis-repair and not kept clean.
Good morning, @MyCOPDTeam users... and @A MyCOPDTeam Member
It’s not unreasonable to have healthy boundaries for yourself when trying to deal with those we love. Knowing it, and accepting it, though, are two very different challenges for anyone to have to face when seeing a loved one suffering.
You are all to be commended for both trying to help someone, as well as stepping away to save yourselves. When people we love engage in self-harming behaviors, it can spiral out of control fast, emotionally, sucking us in beyond our own ability to tolerate, and spreading poison like a contagion.
Hugs to everyone reading this post and dealing with their own challenges.
sorry to hear of your friends’ plight. I have a friend who was in the same position. His son was supposedly his care giver so he could qualify for a Aid and Attendance stipend. And he paid his son to do the job, but the job was never done. He had absolutely no control. He found that cash in the home was missing, food from pantry would disappear. Later he found that withdrawals were being made from his debit card, his car had many more miles on it (he is in a wheel chair) and his mail was being censored. He found later that several credit cards were made in his name as a cosigner.
Because he needed assistance the situation became so bad that rodents were in the home, he rarely left his bedroom, his diet was one TV type dinner per day. When he asked me for help I went to see him and just observed the behavior. His son made one major mistake and left his crack pipe on the end table which I saw. I called the police and the story started to unravel.
Anytime I hear of this kind of behavior I would focus first on drug use. Ask your friend if his helper would submit to a drug test. If the answer is no, then remove them and get social services involved immediately.
@A MyCOPDTeam Member, are you sure we aren’t related? I had much the same situation with an Auntie that moved in with me after years of opiate abuse.
While I was able to get her out of bed and walking again, improving her quality of life (as she was determined to prove to me that she was not addicted), the damage done to her brain from years of depression, pain and opiod abuse meant that she could not sustain a healthier life style as her impulse control, anger management and executive management parts of her brain were no longer able to function reliably or dependably.
While she has lived on her own since she moved out in 2011, I go check on her about every 3-4 months and file APS complaints when needed. (She’s like leaving a teenager alone to play in traffic. Old enough to mostly care for herself, but young enough in terms of mental abilities that some regular supervision is a good idea).
Know that you did what you could to help your mom, but that addicts are a whole different level of dysfunction that social services seems unwilling or incapable of helping due to the addict’s ability to deny their own problems and refuse assistance.
Hugs to you during this ongoing difficult time. Letting people harm themselves is so difficult to have to observe, but especially when you’ve tried to get them help and nothing seems to work.
My Aunt tried to have me up on charges of elder abuse (a real concern when dealing with anyone with mental health issues, but especially once they reach retirement age). That plan backfired, and she left the state rather than deal with their recommendations for how to live independently and autonomously and pay her own way.
Stick to your decision to keep her out of your home. You need the peace, and you can always step in for guidance (if needed from time to time) without ruining your own health, safety and finances.
Hey @A MyCOPDTeam Member, tell him to call Seniors at Risk, Victims Services, LHIN- Local Health Integration Services - no referral needed- for help with cleaning, laundry, personal care. If he has a hard time looking after himself there isn't a charge. This organization will connect him with other organizations that will help . CMHA Canadian Mental Health Association has a program for Geriatrics and I strongly recommend he speak with his family dr.
Better get outta here; this place is for serious questions.